Pain Without Consent
by goddess-neptune
Summary: A short piece of Koji introspection about Izumi


While studying I spied an image of Koji on my screensaver and decided I had to write a Zetsuai/Bronze fic. After I finished reading the summaries up to Bronze 11 I decided that I had enough knowledge to come up with something so I wrote this little piece as a bit of Koji introspection that takes place.hm.probably somewhere around Volume 3 or Bronze.  
  
~*~*~*~*  
  
I was caged. Looking through the criss-crossed wire fence, I saw those fierce eyes glazed over with determination. Her small lithe body moved across the field as a blur of vision. Intenseness was intoxicating.  
  
The girl ran across the field, tanned body, making fists when someone stole the ball. Chasing him down she possessed the ball yet again and brought it to the opposite end of the field. The meager crowd broke out in applause as the ball roughly brushed past the goalie's fingertips in nearly burned a hole in the net.  
  
I stared; she was nothing like those sweet young things in my class. She radiated a spirit devoid of easy defeat. Conquering her would be like getting an ant to journey cross the Sahara Desert, but I was determined.  
  
"That girl's somethin' isn't she," snickered Youhei.  
  
I just kept myself staring at the girl who was now being embraced by her teammates. A twinge of jealousy snapped within me, I wanted to be them so I could legitimately to hug her, smell her hair.  
  
Youhei had told me that the livewire was let into the boy's team because of her fantastic skill. At the time I didn't doubt it. Trust was never easy for me, but Youhei had never told me a lie. I suppose it could even be said that I considered him some sort of estranged friend. Of course I never really concerned myself with people much until I saw my vision of ultimate feminine beauty.  
  
It was, jarring when I found out that my Izumi wasn't a bestial maiden of soccer stardom. I remember my deflation and the other boys laughing over how stupid I'd been. "Nanjo you idiot!" I inwardly screamed over and over. I had been tricked and was ashamed, it was only later that I realized that trick was the best thing that had ever happened to me. It gave me the chance to love someone for them. I've always loved Izumi for Izumi. My love has never been any different; it just took time for me to realize it.  
  
No matter how many times I declared my love, he rejected me. It hurt. I could have had any woman and almost any man. Instead the one person I wanted most in the world was hostile towards what I was offering, what I was willing to give. He was squeamish and pulled away when I wanted to touch him.  
  
"I love you Izumi, and only you. There will never be anyone else."  
  
"Liar."  
  
"If the world ended tomorrow and you were there with me I'd die in peace."  
  
"No you wouldn't." In his mind I can hear him shriek, 'forget about me!' But I can't, every move he makes paints a picture more defined. He is the light to conquer my good, so good, so pure. I don't deserve him yet he is my endless desire, hopeless desire. My mind reels in the nonsensical nature of it all. But then again is love supposed to make sense?  
  
Before I found him I never trusted anybody, now I place my faith in him. He could never do the same. Izumi's blood still binds him to the past. All his pain emotionally manifests itself in that scar.  
  
He screamed when I first touched it. Even now if I'm not gentle he'll become unpredictable. Sometimes he's prone to fits of rage and at others he'll sob uncontrollably the tears of a lost child. This is when I consider him the most delectable; I restrain myself from doing anything beyond holding him. I rock him back and forth; I try to calm his savage tears. He burrows in my chest pretending not to realize what he's doing. When he does he pulls away and looks apologetic, then quickly becomes hostile yet again.  
  
Through all the pain and anguish, we have lived. Dragging Izumi down into the filth of my life wasn't something I wanted to do. He deserves to be happy. I want to be the one to give that to him, but the question is, how? How can he ever learn to love and accept me? Nothing I do is ever good enough or ever will be for this person I have learned to love, regardless of whether he be man, woman, machine, animal or plant.I love him and always will.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
A somewhat fluffy ending, but I think this is a pretty good take on Koji's feelings. He loves Izumi so much and it's great to see when their relationship is going places between (or during) the long bouts of angst that the entire manga consists of. 


End file.
